Hopeless
by C7oudBust
Summary: Gon confessed his love-love, as in love between lovers-to his best friend from time to time, but Killua just f*cking friendzoned him.
"Killua, I love you,"

The white haired boy scoffed at what his companion said as his face flushed pink in embarrassment, he feigned annoyance and remained attentive on the video game he was playing while muttered, "Me too,"

Gon just kept quiet and smiled; a part of him happy and glad that nothing changed between them each and every time he confessed, while another part of him was disappointed at the same reply he received.

For many others who received this kind of respond from their lovers after engaging in a risky confession session, they would feel happy and relieved because their love was reciprocated, but not Gon. It's not that Gon wasn't happy that Killua loved him back, but it's because he knew that the other boy doesn't understand how far his love went beyond friendship or just being best friends.

Gon let himself stare at his companion's features, and realized for the thousandth time that, despite him doing nothing, Killua is damn attractive and that is so _unfair_.

It's difficult but he succeed in tearing his gaze away from that beautiful sight, looking down onto his fingers, fiddling with each other to distract himself. What he got out of it was thoughts about how different his hands are from Killua's, how Killua's pale hand felt smooth and cold under his calloused ones, how the veins displayed its colour on-

A very _good_ distraction.

 _How long can he keep this up?_

* * *

Gon examined his own reflection in front of the glass panel of the coffee shop-that allowed him to see more of the inside of the shop rather than his reflection. He squinted at his reflection, a futile attempt to make it appear clearer as he righted his shirt and his spiky hair that did not need righting.

A barely noticeable blush painted the brunette's face as he noticed a woman who sat in a seat just behind the glass panel he had been staring at giggled at him. Gon smiled sheepishly and mouthed an apology before turning away.

He was, as usual, came too early in his and Killua's outings-outings, _not dates_.

He came face to face with a pair of mischievous blue eyes as soon as he turned away, those beautiful pair of sapphire eyes that were unmistakably Killua's, they were just… _too close!_

Gon yelled and jumped back on reflex, his back slammed into the glass and again, unintentionally disturbed the said woman. He quickly turned towards the woman and bowed while apologizing, not before spending half a second to observe the catlike feature of his best friend. Unfortunately for him, his forehead slammed into the glass as he bowed. He let out a whimper and then brought his hand to the bump on his forehead.

"I'm sorry!" His face was flushed and eyes teary from embarrassment.

Gon knew that his companion was already laughing since he bumped his head, he wanted so badly to look but he had to apologize first, but a part of him hated that he missed that few seconds of indulging himself with the scene of a laughing Killua. That was why Gon advert his eyes immediately after apologizing, not even bothered to see the woman's reaction, and drank in the scene in front of him.

The blue eyed boy calmed down eventually, with his cheeks still red from laughing so hard and corners of his lips tugged upward, he removed one of his hands from his stomach to wipe away the tears that pooled beneath his eyes.

The older of the duo stopped himself from gawking, crossed his arms and made an annoyed expression when the other boy just smiled smugly. Killua nodded his head while looking at the older boy's attire. The brunette would wear better outfits in their outings, only a bit different from usual that it went pass most people's notice, but that excluded Killua.

"Killuaaa, don't do that!" Gon pouted.

Thus, their 'date' began, but what the older boy didn't know was that those weren't the only embarrassment and frustration he'll experience throughout the day. Gon was rarely unlucky, his luckiness associated with his charming natural had brought him through countless hardships and difficult situations. However, when the day luckiness decided to have a vacation from him came, he'll be spending the whole day miserably-and often time dragging Killua along-often humiliated, scolded, and other bad things that happened when you're having a bad luck. Minus life threatening situations.

Wasn't so sure about not having life threatening situations though, the duo had always ached for danger and adventure that they will one day die from their recklessness-just like what their tutor, Bisky said. That wasn't anything Gon was worried about though, but he'd always gotten on Killua's bad side on those days. He thought he was going to die.

* * *

The duo ended up in the small café with few peoples, the small chattering and the aroma were entirely dismissed by Killua as he waited for a chocolate cake to be served while keeping up a small chit chat with the other boy. Gon, on the other hand, had his clothes crumpled and soaked wet, one of his shoe went missing, he had a splotch of greenish colour at the side of his pants-he made note to apologize to his aunt when he get back. He chatted happily despite how uncomfortable he felt in that state.

Killua had laughed more than often because of the other boy's bad luck-one thing that is good about bad days, if only he didn't stopped laughing suddenly and then glared. He would show concern if the situation was more serious though. Being stubborn as Gon, he refused to let his luck ruin his day.

The older boy watched in amusement as Killua brightened up at the arrival of the waitress-or rather, the arrival of the chocolate cake. Milliseconds after the waitress put the cake down, the younger of the duo pulled it towards himself protectively and began to scoop off a piece of the desert using a annoyingly small spoon, stuff it into his mouth, whilst everything else was ignored in order to savor the taste, and Gon savored the sight.

The brunette stared intently at the boy sitting across him, Killua-as a habit practiced a few months ago-tried to ignore him and put on a cool façade to mask his own discomfort at being stared at. Gon saw right through that and decided that he stared too much, so he tore his eyes away and to the wall of the café, trying to stop his amber eyes from flickering back towards the other boy. He barely suppressed a sigh, and decided to reach for one of the cups in front of him and brought it to his lips to work as a distraction.

Maybe he was clumsy, or he was captivated by Killua's blissful expression-Killua combine with chocolate is always a grant disaster for him-or maybe it's just his plain luck, or the combination of the three, his finger slipped and hot tea was spilled onto his shirt.

Gon yelled in pain and was a bit surprised because he hadn't even notice that the tea was hot at all. _Damn his feelings for his best friend._

Gon hasn't had the time to react-or maybe he's just stunned-as strong, pale-and familiar-hand griped his wrist to hoist him and pull him into the restroom. His eyes lingered on the thin fingers curled around his wrist, relished himself with the body warmth of that very person. After getting inside the restroom, the hand immediately let go of his wrist to tug on the soaked shirt.

The boy wasn't sure if he should be disappointed at the loss of the younger boy's colder body heat around his wrist or if he should indulge himself in Killua's care-although Gon felt guilty for worrying the younger boy.

"Take off your shirt," _No!_

Gon hesitated but complied anyway. It doesn't matter, _because Killua never like him that way_.

* * *

Killua carefully patted the boiled skin by using a wet napkin-which Gon didn't know when it got into the younger boy's hand. Napkin slide gentle across abs-which the pale boy watched, unamused and unimpressed. The older boy tried to remain motionless and suppress the shivering.

 _How long has it been?_

The pale hand that accidentally made contact with his skin sent shivers that he failed to suppress, and the need and ache to touch and feel the other boy slapped him in the face for the zillionth time.

Gon clenched his fist tightly, and tried to focus on other things, like the feeling of his nails digging into his palm.

He wondered how Killua will react once he get his mind straight, and not filled with only concern. He might feel shy at his act of concern, will snap in embarrassment when Gon thanked him and his ears and face will turn pink and warm, unlike his usual temperature-

 _Damn._

* * *

When that moment ended, Gon didn't know what he should feel. All he knew was that the pale boy before him was so gentle, so fluffy and beautiful. He wanted to touch Killua, to wrap his hand to Killua's, feel the smooth and cold skin under his calloused one, and so he did.

The intertwined fingers of his and his crush's hand were all he could see, he felt the younger boy gazed at him and was too afraid to meet those ocean deep eyes, and yet again, he confessed.

"I love you,"

… "Me too,"

The grip on the pale hand tightened. "Killua, I-"

A random man entered the bathroom at just the right time and the moment was destroyed. Gon ripped his hand away from Killua's as though he was burnt, and the spell was broken. Not only that, the younger boy had a pained face. He felt guilty for making Killua unhappy.

Gon drooped his head, and everything turned awkward and tense.

* * *

The duo went out from the café with a very pissed Killua, it's no doubt he'll be annoyed because they'd found their table cleaned out after exiting the bathroom, the half-eaten chocolate cake was also gone. Gon had left his wallet on the table that was later stolen by who knows who, and Killua never bring his wallet-even though he came from a rich family. That made the younger boy unsatisfied and they were later kicked out from the café.

Gon walked silently along with Killua, who was busy thinking and over-analyzing the thievery that had occurred, and Gon thought, maybe, maybe it is better like this. At least they will not change, nothing will change. The older of the duo turned his head away as he felt bitterness clenched his heart painfully.

Smooth skin slightly brushed on the warmer hand as Gon flinched and turned towards the other boy. Blue eyes stared at him with concern masked with indifference, pale hand barely lifted towards Gon. It's open, inviting. The older boy was hesitant, but he carded his fingers into Killua's and intertwined them. Held them gently to not disturb the fragile moment.

Despite how Killua will sometimes voluntarily lent his hand for the other boy to hold, he knew that Killua never loved him that way-a painful mantra that he held onto to kept him grounded-but it wouldn't hurt to sometimes pretend to have his feelings returned, hand in hand and happy. Right?

* * *

Gon wanted nothing more than to collapse on his bed the second he got home, but he knew he can't do that, he needed to apologize to his aunt for ruining his cloth. He didn't miss how his aunt's eyes flashed in concern and was glad that she ushered him to take a bath and get some rest.

She knew, about the feelings he had for his best friend, about the exhaustion weighing him down, and how tiring love can be-an unrequited one.

Gon was dressed in a clean clothes after he had a shower, he braced himself as he plopped onto his bed, tired to the bone, his eyelids drooped and he entered dreamland where he'll suffer another torture session.

 _Just how long can he keep this up?_


End file.
